What to say about the bagels from DA JEWEL

They’re not good.

Remember my epic takedown of Dunkin Donuts?

Well I’m not going to be that bad, because, like a good Chicagoan, I appreciate JEWel. (See what I’m doing here.) At least I think we’re supposed to like it, right? Don’t get me started on this “merger” with Mariano’s, though!

These bagels are dreck (new Yiddish word alert!) They’re like one level above Thomas’ bagels. You know what? If you ever meet someone and wonder if they’re Jewish or not—as this can happen from time to time—if you go to their home and see a bag of Thomas’ bagels you have your answer.

Now, you may be wondering to yourself, “OK if you’re such a rampant jerk about bagel quality, why are you eating Jewel’s bagels?”

That’s a valid question. And my answer is, I am a [very bad] blogger and sometimes I have to compromise my values in order to serve my audience.

Here’s why you should skip these bagels (unless all that’s around in your town is Thomas’, then by all means get a baker’s dozen.) They’re CHEWY and that’s IT. And actually, today during my THIRD TRIP TO THE JEWEL IN ONE WEEK *the entire selection of bagels-which was actually quite large-I am really pushing the limits of grammar here* was burned!

BURNED!

…but I bought some anyway, because I didn’t have the patience to make the 7-minute drive to New York Bagel and Bialy and wait in that meshugeneh line situation.

So the moral of today’s bagel review is skip Jewel, unless your only option is Thomas’ in which case you should probably get outta dodge because if that’s literally your only bagel option IDK what sad place you are residing.

Schmear goes to the schmuburbs

…or suburbs

Well, hello loyal readers and fans! I know, it’s been YEARS since I’ve eaten a bagel and it has been ROUGH.

Just kidding: I’ve had a shit load of bagels since my last post, I’ve just been too lazy to write about them.

Well, perhaps more importantly, I think most of the bagels I DID consume in my hiatus were from the same 1-2 places that I’ve already reviewed. So, not much new to report.

OK moving on.

So I’ve had to go to the suburbs more recently for doctor appointments and, when I say suburbs, I mean where the reform Jews live. You know, the North Shore. A place that I don’t really fit into, but still somehow resonates with me? Like I fully identify as a Jew but since I didn’t grow up surrounded by Jews, I feel a bit like an outsider when I’m there. Luckily bagels are the great equalizer.

I’m actually going to review two different establishments in this post. Yes, this is a two-fer (what a treat!)

First up is Max’s Deli

This is an interesting place because it’s owned by an Italian Jew. Yes, an Italian Jew. IMO Jews and Italians are basically the same, but Italians have the better food* in general and Jews are funnier. (SORRY) (But we know they love working together because they had a lot of synergy in the Mafia!)

Anyways, this place is basically a humongous take-out deli/bakery and restaurant in one. Service is a bit weird: I’d categorize it as slightly abrasive but then you feel bad because it seems like the workers are stressed out. The owner is…well…an interesting character. I sense that the stress comes from the top, let’s put it that way.

Now onto the food: the bagels are decent. I would say they’re better than many of the city bagels I’ve had but, at the time, I wouldn’t place them at Once Upon a Bagel level.

Next up is Max and Benny’s

I should preface this review with saying I’ve been here before with my grandparents, but didn’t have the bagels or the deli/bakery.

This is another huge half-bakery-half-restaurant establishment. Now, being that I am of 40%+ English ancestry, I do appreciate a line. We need structure and order in our lives, especially when it comes to ordering food. The last thing I want to do when I see bagels AND AM HUNGRY is evil eye everyone around me because I’m not sure who will respect the lack of order and who won’t.

So this place was basically like being in Israel. No rules. No clear responsibilites. I felt like I had just stepped into the schawarma place in Old Jerusalem where I waited in line for FORTY FIVE MINUTES to order when there were like 2 people ahead of me when I first walked in.

Yes, the old people at Max and Benny’s really gave 0 shits about the fact that I was there before them and clearly didn’t know which way was up. Is this not America? Give me bagels or give me death, come on people. What made matters worse is that one I finally got helped, I didn’t only get helped by one person, it was like 3+ people who were all somehow “taking care of me” but none of them knew who was working on my order so by the end my head was spinning. Somehow I felt like I was to blame for the confusion, and I was not a happy camper at the end of that experience.

HOWEVER.

The bagels are my new favorite. First off, they are JEWMONGOUS. I mean, these bagels are BIG. And when you’re living through a recession, you appreciate getting your money’s worth. Secondly, they have the right texture combo: slightly crispy outside met with the perfect fluff inside. And forget about the cream cheese: I don’t even know how to describe it, but it is just perfect. PERFECT COMBINATION, THEY WIN.

They also have a superb chocolate chip mandel bread (which I realized is basically like biscotti but better…sorry again, Italian readers); a s’mores bar that is a ridiculous amount of sugar and love condensed into one oversized treat; good challah bread, and even enjoyed the kreplach!

SO yes I dropped $50+ at this place and, despite my wild west experience actually getting my food from the counter, I can’t wait to get back. Now that I know the drill, all the krechers better watch out because I am NOT waiting around with my thumb up my ass like last time. No butts no cuts no coconuts today.

*except bagels and kugel

Yiddish Lessons

I recently bought a couple Yiddish grammar books. Expect more Yiddish lessons in the coming years. I recently told my boyfriend I was going to “save Yiddish,” which is a pretty lofty goal on top of trying to eat as many bagels as possible.

Stay tuned.

Guess what?

Eating bread-y, fried(-y?) foods after a week of relatively healthy eating is REALLY PAINFUL.

The end.

Fried matza, hamburger patties, and my decision to do Pesach in 2015

It has been 5 months since my last post. I am not a diligent blogger. I hope my 3 followers can forgive me for my laziness and lack of dedication. 

This post will not be about a bagel nor will it be a Yiddish lesson. I’d like to talk about my first time observing Pesach (re: Passover, for the non-Jews out there). My decision to give up the breads (generalization, of course) was at first purely out of vanity; I wanted to see if I could lose weight before my trip to Hawaii, and I was also curious to see if I could actually stick to something.

So, the first couple days were a little rough. If you don’t plan out what you might eat ahead of time, you’ll look at your kitchen and see ALL of the things you can’t eat that are quick to make when you’re famished:

– tacos

– sandwiches

– pasta

– cereal

– pancakes (I make a lot of pancakes in life)

The first night, I trudged downstairs and bought some frozen chicken strips. I had no clue what to do with them, so I ended up dousing them in buffalo sauce and accompanied the masterpiece with pineapple. It was a weird combination.

The second night, I was back in the suburbs at home. My family had a hilariously perfect seder at my mom’s house. Non-chalant, weird, and full of laughs. I was going out later that night, and was nervous that I would cave to the beer selection at the bar in town. Surprisingly, I ordered wine and potato vodka (kosher…however my first vodka drink wasn’t potato vodka on accident) and later that night I consumed a cheese-less, bun-less burger from McDonald’s. Way to go, me!

As the days went on, I found myself waking up and not scrambling to think about what to make that day. Matza became my friend—friend matza (matza brei) became a craving for any meal, even though it’s probably best for breakfast. Since I slather it in jelly.

I DID cave once or twice in moments of weakness. One night I sneaked a couple lemon ricotta cookies, another day for lunch I ate rice with chicken (up for debate whether or not rice counts or not), and I ate 1 pretzel chip one night out of boredom. Yep, just 1. Oh and I had multiple starbursts throughout the week, which I have to assume aren’t kosher because of the gelatin, but whatever.

What I found interesting was that I actually found myself enjoying the challenge. I felt better (despite the allergies I’ve been battling); I had more energy, felt less Jabba-the-Hutt-like, and was proud that I could wipe out anything bread-like from my diet with so little fuss. But mentally it felt like I was part of a really old tradition that people have been doing for over 2 millennia; a sense that my initially-vain decision to participate had given way to a sense of belonging. And that made me feel good about myself as a person and Jew.

I’m not sure why I’m talking in past tense, because Pesach isn’t over yet. It ends tonight at sundown. I’m debating whether or not to celebrate with a beer or eat an entire pizza to myself. Part of me feels like I should keep going; that taking out the leaven hasn’t been so bad after all.

So that, my friends, is my Pesach2015 review. For anyone who has thought about giving up the bread, now you know. It’s not so bad.

Welcome back, Balabusta: Review of NYC Bagel Deli

It has been a REALLY long time since I’ve done a bagel review, which I’m trying not to beat myself up about. Jew guilt is real. Turns out blogging is a lot of work, and there are a lot of things I could do instead of blogging. Like eating bagels and not blogging about it.

This morning, a dear Jew friend’s birthday propelled me to go to NYC Bagel Deli (happy birthday Sarah Perlin!), so I took the Halsted bus down and made my way through the 26-degree winds to get some early morning bagels. Now, I love NYC Bagel Deli, at least I used to. I think their bagels are better than other places I’ve been to in the city (not better than BBB or Once Upon a Bagel, of course) but the experience I had this morning wasn’t the best.

I had a pretty easy (at least I thought) order for the NYC Bagel Deli dude:

– sesame bagel with plain cream cheese and tomato

– everything bagel with plain cream cheese and lox (tomato and onion on the side)

– garlic and herb bagel with plain cream cheese

Dude asks what I want as my side, I say I don’t need one (not sure why I get a side anyway) and he insists. I say “thanks but no thanks (on that bridge to nowhere….sorry I always add that in in my head…goddamn Sarah Palin.)” He says “OK you’ll get potato salad.”

But I hate potato salad….I think to myself.

Fast forward to the register. Total comes out to be over $15. I ask why the lox bagel was so expensive, he said because it’s a sandwich. I look at the menu and the “sandwich” comes with a bunch of stuff on it (I have now solved the “side” mystery from earlier) – which wasn’t what I ordered.

So when I corrected the order and told him I just wanted an everything bagel with lox and cream cheese, he asked “you mean you want lox spread, which is cream cheese with bits of lox in it?” So I explained what I wanted (which was lox) (the fish) (you know) and he doesn’t say anything and just scratches out my order and goes back to the bagels.

Very strange experience. As a Jew, I feel I should never feel confused in a bagel place.

Anyways, enough kvetching. Let’s get to mazel’ing.

1) The Bagel: sesame bagel with tomato & plain schmear. Unfortunately, not as fresh as I expected. The ideal bagel should be slightly crispy on the outside and have a chewier inside. My bagel was more firm all around and tasted like it had been sitting around for a while in the bin. Which is fine, because overall it was still better than Dunkin Donuts, for example.

RATING:

 7/10 mazels

2) The Schmear: actually can’t remember! So we’ll just say it was…..fine.

RATING:

6/10 mazels

3) The Service: Not good. I can imagine a bagel place gets crazy in the morning, but it was 8 a.m. and there were only a couple other people in there. Definitely manageable (from what I could see.) If someone clearly doesn’t understand the menu, or if you think they want something instead of what they order, maybe just ask.

RATING:

4/10 mazels

4) The Atmosphere: It’s an in-and-out type of place, so there’s not too much to write about. It’s conveniently located in a strip mall near a Starbucks, which is nice. The tables were dirty, however, which is something I typically don’t really notice, but maybe I’m just being a Nagatha Christie.

RATING:

6/10 mazels

Overall? Could have been better. For the schlep I made to get these couple bagels, I was hoping for a fresher bagel and a more pleasant experience.

And now for something completely different

Learning How to Grow a Pair

 

Before I visited Israel in 2006, I was pretty passive in public situations. For example, when I was younger I remember being at Lincoln Park Zoo trying to get a peek of the lion den. I patiently waited until the throng of people moved onto the next exhibit.

“She’s so passive,” my mom sighed quietly to my neighbor’s dad, who was with us that day. I don’t know that I ever made it to the front.

Flash forward to January of 2006. Everything changed during my Birthright trip. In Israel, you either shove your way through life or you die.

OK, you won’t die, but you will certainly go hungry waiting to order shawarma for 45 minutes in the Old City while people keep cutting you in line (this also actually happened.) It was while waiting in line for that dumb shawarma (I discovered I don’t even like shawarma after this) that I realized I needed to grow a proverbial pair.

The proverbial pair I speak of brings us to our next Yiddish lesson:

My example of the word being used: Today at work, I tried to throw a crumpled up tissue into the garbage can. Because I suck at basketball, I miss (surprise!) and my coworker “Lauren” goes “you threw it with chutzpah!”

While this isn’t the most accurate use of the word per se, I admired her using Yiddish so early in the day.

Below is a video clip of how NOT to pronounce chutzpah.

Below is ALSO a list of what is wrong with this video.

1) Michele Bachmann

2) Pronouncing it in the  most goyish way possible

3) ….Michele Bachmann

1st City Bagel Review: Beans and Bagels

Two Multiple Saturdays ago, I dragged my slightly-hungover self out of bed to meet a friend, aka “Kelli”, for my first bagel reviewing venture in Chicago.

Apparently the outbound Brown line trains were feeling a little hungover too, because I waited for 30 minutes at the Irving Park stop just to be on the train for 30 seconds.

After what was possibly the longest commute ever for the shortest distance, I arrived at my 1st review site: Beans and Bagels off the Montrose Brown stop (there are 2 locations).

I found Kelli, and unfortunately missed a huge fight between a couple that was sitting nearby. As we noshed on our bagels & coffee, a coworker of ours, aka “Stephen”, randomly appeared in the window, and we had quite the chat about Chicago’s theater scene, work, and fecal matter in inappropriate places.

I digress…..

I DO have pictures of my bagel, however I can’t seem to find them, so here’s a nice Google-y image of the outside of the place until I find my images!

 

FIRST, let me preface this by stating that I have NOT really decided how to review my bagels. I will probably tweak as I go, because I kind of don’t know what I’m doing.

1) The Bagel: sesame bagel with plain schmear and tomato (my go-to). the bagel had a nice, crispy exterior and was soft on the inside (as a bagel should be). it was a little chewier than I would’ve liked, but overall a good bagel. it was cut in half with schmear on both halves; the tomato slices were love-li-ly red (new word)

 

RATING:

8 /10 mazels

 

2) The Schmear: actually quite delicious, but because I can’t remember exactly how it tasted, I know it wasn’t THE BEST (aka Bagels by the Book).

RATING:

7/10 mazels

 

3) The Service: good. the girl who took my order was friendly & patient as I perused the wooden sign of schmears. the bagel took a little longer than I anticipated (surprising…..since it’s a bagel), but the place had a decent amount of patronage that day, so that could be why

RATING:

8/10 mazels

 

4) The Atmosphere: i remember liking the hanging menus. Their desserts all looked REALLY good, and it was hard to not buy something for the road. Not a ton of seating, and I wouldn’t say it was overly comfortable inside. Overall, nothing to write home about (or blog about LOLL!!!!)

RATING:

7/10 mazels

 

So overall? A decent bagel. It’s conveniently located RIGHT under the el tracks (so it does get a bit noisy every 10 minutes or so). If I were a coffee blog, I’d rate my iced vanilla latte, which was REALLY GOOD, but since I’m just a bagel blog, I’ll just add it as a bonus.

 

And, because I love you dear readers so much, a parting gif(t)

 

 

 

Double Yiddish Lesson Friday!

Hello, everyone. Amidst the excitement of life, I completely forgot I have a duty here in the bagel world. Tomorrow, I will be joining my friend, Kelli, on an excursion to a bagel place to judge their circular, carby delights.

But until then, I will impart some new Yiddish wisdom on the populace. Today’s lesson will be a double whammy. I know mostly dirty, inappropriate words & phrases, and I know most people would rather learn those than Disney-rated tidbits.

Our first lesson of the day is perfect for Mother’s Day. I bequeath unto you the phrase “bei mir bist du shayn“. This lovely sentence means “to me, you are beautiful”. I know everyone talks like this to their mother, so be sure to add it in your card or whisper it in a breathy voice into her ear. She’ll love it, I’m sure.

The second lesson of the day is perfect for many situations: your annoying neighbor, the person who stands too close to you on the train while blasting dubstep, that asshole in the Mercedes who uses the bike lane to pass everyone…etc, etc. Just yell “kish mir en toches!” Translation “kiss my ass!”

OR, you can just scratch my lessons and memorize this (wtf?) Yiddish version of the Godfather. Marlon Brandowitz FTW.

 

B-Dubs & Bagels

The picture speaks for itself.

 

Thank you to Lexy V. for finding this gem and passing it my way!

Love me some Barry White.